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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Confessions of a "Stuck-Up Spelmanite" Pt. 2: Charity Dating

Hello, world wide web! As you can see, I was serious about my Confessions of a "Stuck-Up" Spelmanite series.

Have you ever dated or considered going out with a person who wasn't really on your level? Who didn't really deserve to be with you, but you figured you'd be the down-to-Earth person you are and give it a try anyway?
Let me just say, no one really deserves to be with you until they have proven his/herself worthy of you. But there is a such thing as dating people on your level. Being on your level has several dimensions: education, morals, religion/faith, future goals/plans, politics, etc.
But have you ever felt like being totally open to the idea of dating a person regardless of the differences between you two backfired? When a person dates a someone who is not on their level and that person acts up-- I call it an unfortunate case of charity dating. Save your accusations of snobbery and elitism-- it's true.

Today's Strange Social Phenomenon: "Charity Dating"
Situational Description: You are a smart, attractive college student with a seriously bright future. You're interested in an average-looking person who does not and doesn't plan to pursue any kind of higher education. You two met by chance; let's say at a library. You two start seeing each other consistently, but instead of appreciating that he is fortunate to go out with a beautiful, intelligent, goal-oriented woman, he acts like "he got it like that." Starts treating you like some average "chick" once he's figured out that you like him.
Solution: Like Nancy Reagan said, "Just say no." Just say NO to charity dating! People rarely appreciate you and it doesn't matter how lucky they are to have met or dated you. I think it's just easier and more realistic to look for some basic similarities in a potential partner. That way, if you're going to get played, at least you won't feel like, "Damn, I lowered my standards for your no-goal-having, opportunistic [expletive]!"Please date people on your level.

AND THIS JUST IN! Reggie Bush just came to his senses; he's figured out that charity dating is a no-no [usually, at least].
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S. Justin said...

"Let me just say, no one really deserves to be with you until they have proven his/herself worthy of you." That's a little harsh and slightly conceited, don't you think?

This sounds like the "pretty, naive girl in college meets a handsome young man who turns out to be a bum thug and drug dealer" scenario. Would you say that those women trick themselves into the "charity dating" trap?

I think the argument shifts in favor of the men and women who are mature and have good heads on the their shoulders. Those of us who aren't completely judgemental and are keen to recognizing potential. It applies to those of us with realistic and non-superficial standards. And those of us who realize that finding someone who complements us is more important than finding one who simply cooperates. For the ones who just cooperate with us are the one who contradict what we're trying to do with our lives. And that's counterproductive. As is charity dating. But I think a truly mature person would be able to weed out b.s. before it starts. Though there are always exceptions.

Thanks for writing this. It helps those of us who are on the path to becoming the individuals whom I described above.


Shana Lisa said...

I stand by what I said, "...No one really deserves to be with you until they have proven his/herself worthy of you."
Deserve (trans. verb): to have earned or be worthy of something

I notice that people are quick to label having STANDARDS for oneself as "conceited" or "harsh" or "stuck-up," etc. Why aren't we quick to call it "SMART?" Regardless of what you call it, the bottom line is that INDIVIDUALS (especially women) NEED TO PUT THEMSELVES FIRST.

I myself have been guilty of ignoring standards that I know are good for ME in the long-term just because "he was charming" or "to have some fun" or maybe just to prove to my mom that I (the "nice girl") could date a a wannabe thug/ player in the hood and still be happy. And it's a recurring theme in movies, books, songs, etc. Don't get me wrong; many times, the "opposites attract" scenario works out in real life. But I think-- in the majority of situations-- it's a fairy tale. After people say, "Opposites attract," they need to say, "...but they rarely last." It's ok to exclusively date people who are on your education level, religious/ faith level, financial level, etc. These fundamental values and characteristics are very important in making a 'REALationship' work.

No, this is not a "pretty, naive girl in college meets a handsome young man who turns out to be a bum thug and drug dealer" scenario. This is a reiteration of an obvious lesson that many of our elders have told us throughout our entire lives-- "If you're doing something with your life, you don't need to be with someone who isn't doing the same." It's a reassurance to college girls [and/or professional women] out there like me, who aren't about to date some average guy around their way who doesn't go to school. I want them-- and men as well-- to know that it's OK. It's NOT "conceited" or "stuck-up," it's called adhering to your standards. I'm sick of people making others feel guilty about expecting the great--not average, typical-- partners for themselves. Let's stop stereotyping women and men who don't want to date just any-'ol-body.

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